Regulating emotions; a skill in itself!

Imagine this: You've worked all day and you pick up the kids from school. Then you realize there's nothing at home. So it's a quick trip to the store. The children are already getting restless in the car. It's busy in the store. They are whining, run around or beg for toys. You find yourself thinking: can't they just behave for half an hour? Sound familiar? 

Children are learning to navigate the world, and this often brings up strong or difficult emotions. They don’t always have the language or strategies to handle these feelings. This can be challenging for parents. Unfortunately, we are not born knowing how to manage these difficult emotions—but the good news is that these skills can be learned. As parents, we can help our little ones and older children develop them.

Children learn emotional skills & emotion regulation in the same way they develop other skills:

• At their own pace: Every child is different. Some children have a more sensitive temperament and may get sad more quickly than others. In addition, changes in their environment, like moving house, can also temporarily make things more difficult.
• Through observation: Children are very attentive. They learn a lot just by watching how we handle difficult emotions. You may have noticed your child imitating you—playing “mommy” and “daddy”—and the same applies to emotions.
• Through interaction with others: Children need adults to guide and practice with them so that they can manage emotions on their own later. The younger your child, the more support they will need.

• With lots of repetition: Understanding what we feel and what to do about it isn’t easy. Just like learning to read, children need plenty of practice, opportunities to make mistakes, and patience from those around them. It also means that just because they can do it once, it doesn’t mean they can always do it.”

What can we actually do about emotions?

Difficult feelings often come with challenging behavior. It’s the behavior that causes difficulties, not the emotions themselves. It can help to try to identify which emotion or need is behind the behavior. Why are they acting restless in the store? Maybe they need some calm? We look for clues by observing the child’s expressions and actions, or by asking them. This is called naming the emotion. Sometimes we don’t figure out what’s wrong—and that’s okay and normal. The most important thing is to observe and experiment. Once we understand what the child is feeling, we can recognize the emotion, acknowledge that it’s difficult, understand that it can make us sad, scared, or angry and then figure out how to cope with it:

• Recharge: Give a hug or offer close physical comfort.
• Offer choices: If a child needs to play independently while you cook, provide a limited number of options, for example: ‘Do you want to color or play with blocks?’
• Use humor: Tell a joke or, if a child doesn’t want to go home, imagine together what would happen if it were possible.
• Shift to yes: Focus on what is possible or when something can happen.
• Distraction: For minor emotions, after naming and acknowledging them, distraction through a hug or an activity can be helpful.

Finally, we as parents, must not forget ourselves and our emotions!

Depending on our own upbringing and everything that happens during the day, we can’t always access our own  skills and respond appropriately. Children sense this very well, and it affects their emotions, which in turn affects us. This is completely normal! What’s important to know is that we can always recover. In this way, children learn something important: everyone struggles sometimes and can’t always respond perfectly.

What can help?

• Pause to reflect on your emotions: what is making me angry right now?
• Find a strategy to calm down: a hobby, a walk, a podcast..?
• If necessary and possible: let someone else step in for a moment.

Is your child having difficulty with emotions and you as a parent find it hard to help them regulate? Do not hesitate to contact us!

This blog was written by psychologist Marlies Van Daele.